If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
