we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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