so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
