When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Randomize
