you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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