Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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