Even the bartender felt bad for me
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
