We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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