We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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