dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I enjoy the company of your penis
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