are you so shy because you have an std?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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