I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize