Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I can text with my tongue
i would punch a child for taco bell
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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