my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
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