I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
is that a dick in a sweater?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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