The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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