I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
