Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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