haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize
