just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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