I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize