Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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