Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
