You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
