I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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