i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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