I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
