and she was petting her beer can
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
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