Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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