Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize