i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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