I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
