So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
