she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
They are going to name an STD after you.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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