No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
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