You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize
