Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
