Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
