In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
