I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
