my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Randomize
