he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Randomize