nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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