why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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