What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
