I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Randomize
