Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize