my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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