I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
