i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
