I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
