i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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