I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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