I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
