The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
