Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
