Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
