fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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