I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
