So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
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