How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
