I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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