Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
