Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize