so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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