You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
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