he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
